How to Survive the Holidays with Your Family
In a sequel to the blog titled “How to Survive the Holidays with Your Partner,” I present to you some reflective questions and tips for how to cope with seeing family this holiday season!
Think About What Would Bring You Joy
How would you like to spend your holiday season? What traditions would you like to implement or change this year? What activities would you like to do during this seasonal time?
It is important to think about how to potentially reclaim this season for yourself. The holidays can be a joyful time, but they can also be a time in which we remember those we have lost, we feel triggered from childhood trauma as we spend time with relatives in our family homes, or we feel stressed trying to do all the things and please all the people when so much is happening. Taking the time to think about what would help you enjoy this season allows you to nurture some of those younger parts of you that may long for the holiday magic of the season. This could be as simple as getting a peppermint hot chocolate and looking at Christmas lights, donating to your favorite charity, or getting some cozy socks on and trying to predict the plot of the latest Hallmark movie.
Consider What Your Family is Asking of You
What are family members specifically asking you to do? Are they inviting you to something and communicating how much they would love to have you? Are you feeling like you do not have a choice to attend family events? What do you feel like they are asking for but have not directly communicated? What expectations are you seeing (whether spoken or unspoken)?
For some reason, the holidays can bring out the best or the absolute worst of those we love most. It is important to consider what your family is asking of you because most of the time, our family loves us and is just trying to spend time with us. It can be helpful to lay out what family members are actually asking of you so that you do not jump to conclusions regarding their expectations. Sometimes we assume things about our family members (from past pain most likely) and then we try to make everyone happy, which can lead us to be resentful. Consider the potential expectations and talk about that directly so we do not end up doing things that our family wasn’t even asking us to do.
Come Up With a Balanced Plan
Once you have considered what you are interested in doing and what your family is asking of you, make a plan to try to honor both of those things. If you take time to celebrate the season the way you want to and experience joy in the little things you have chosen to commemorate the season, that should help you have the energy (bravery even?) to enter into family spaces that might have a lot of dynamics happening. If your family gatherings are full of drama and stress, try to find those little joyful things for yourself once you are there. Maybe sneak away outside to feel the cold air and look at the sky or grab that slice of pie and eat it in a corner away from the chaos. Find something that gives you some peace and joy amidst all the chaos.
There is also deep pain that can come from our family, making it hard to want to spend any time with them. It is easy to get triggered and feel like you are almost reverting back to a younger self when you get around family. If your family is unsafe for any reason (like active verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse), please keep yourself safe and only visit family if you are able to keep yourself safe. There is a normal amount of stress and emotional intensity that can come from visiting family, but it can reach a level in which strong boundaries are necessary to maintain safety.
If you are needing some extra support to process some family trauma that makes the holidays very difficult for you or need help determining what boundaries to set or change with family members, we have options for you to get some support. Feel free to fill out the matchmaking form to get connected with our Therapist Matchmaker. She would be happy to get you connected to either me or one of our other therapists who provide individual therapy,couples therapy or family therapy! Wishing you a happy, healthy, joyful and connecting holiday season!
Interested in learning more about our unique approach to trauma therapy?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
Read more by Lauryn:
