How to Maintain Your Relationship in the Midst of Parenting
There are five stages in the family life cycle and the stage of parenting is considered the most stressful. This is the time in which divorce rates are at their highest, sex is at its lowest and couples feel the most disconnected. Below are some ideas to help maintain your relationship during this hectic time.
Connect throughout the day: Show affection and prioritization of the relationship in front of your kids
It is so easy to get caught up in the tasks and needs at hand that we forget to connect with our partner throughout the day. When kids are hungry or babies are crying, it’s easy to go into parent mode to try to meet the children’s needs that we forget about our partner.
Try some little things like:
Hug your partner from behind while they are cooking something on the stove
Give them a kiss as you pass off the baby to be held
Say kind words to your partner in front of the kids, or make eye contact and smile when all the kids are screaming their heads off to show your partner they aren’t alone.
It’s important for children to see your love for one another and you both taking care of each other. This might even mean letting the kids watch a show or have them play independently so you can ask your partner about their day and check in with them to see how they would feel most supported. It’s important for kids to see adults be affectionate, check-in, and support each other. Find little moments away from the kids to nurture your relationship
Date nights and vacations away from the kids are great, but sometimes the consistency and frequency of those things can be difficult to manage for many reasons. You also don’t want to wait just for those times to connect because that can put pressure on those times as your “only chance to connect,” which in itself is not connecting at all.
Therefore, try to connect throughout the day and steal some little moments of togetherness.
Maybe before the kids wake up, cuddle in bed for 5 minutes. Try to make the first words of your day be “good morning”, “hi I love you,” or “How are you today?” instead of “Can you get breakfast going for the kids?”, or “The baby is crying, can you hold him?”, “Don’t forget you’re in charge of taking her to soccer practice.” Maybe step out of the room together for a quick little make-out sesh! Once the kids are down, you can even try spending just 20 minutes talking without phones or TV. Little moments can go a long way!
Plan out your weeks: Work together to plan out the week’s tasks
There are so many things to get done so that kids are taken care of, it’s easy for those tasks to be disproportionately and usually unintentionally assigned to one partner. If you’re able to set aside 30-45 minutes or so at the beginning of the week, you can take that time to ask for help with some tasks or discuss who will do what: who is doing drop off/pick up, driving to sports, cooking dinner, prepping lunches, laundry, car maintenance, etc. This consistent time to check in also allows for an opportunity to adjust because life with kids is constantly changing.
Make a plan for trips or dates away from the kids
It is helpful to plan out the week but it’s also important to make a plan for date nights and trips. Finances and time can feel like barriers but date nights and trips don’t always have to be expensive or lavish.
You can do a date night in with wine and a board game
Have a friend come over and “sleep sit” your kids once they are asleep and go out to get some dessert nearby for an hour
If you’re able to find reliable childcare, a weekend trip a few times a year might be nice but again the focus is less about a lot of money/time and more about quality time planned away from the kids.
To help yourselves better connect, you might try talking about anything BUT the kids on your dates. You can try sharing something that surprised you, that you learned, changed your mind on, or have been thinking about in the last week or two.
Reflect together: Ask intentional questions
Sometimes we just need to take some time to talk and think together! When kids are around, it’s easy for conversations to be logistically oriented and we forget to check in with each other and reflect on the relationship.
Try asking a couple of the following questions to get some conversations going:
What was the high/low of your day (or make it fun and call it whoops/poops, peaks/valleys, roses/thorns, etc)?
What do you love about your partner?
What did your partner do that made you smile this week?
What are you grateful for?
What are some of your favorite memories together?
**To the most likely exhausted parent reading this blog, I know reading this may lend itself to a response along the lines of “ughhh more things I have to do when I’m already exhausted.” However, the hope is that these are little changes that, made over time, can lead to more connection, support, and joy for you and your partner. Parenting is hard enough as it is and it’s even more difficult when your relationship doesn’t feel supportive. This is your gentle reminder to take care of you by taking care of your relationship which in turn will help you to do all that you want to do for your kids!**
If you are looking for some support to deal with this (either as an individual or as a couple), feel free to schedule a 30 minute free consultation with our Therapist Matchmaker. She would be happy to get you connected to either me or one of our other therapists who provide individual therapy, couples therapy or couples intensives!
Interested in learning more about our unique approach to trauma therapy?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
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