How Do We Define Betrayal?

Written By Lauryn Lucido, LMFT

In a previous blog post about betrayal in marriage, I defined betrayal as follows:

“Betrayal can be defined as a violation of love or safety, and we experience betrayal all of the time in varying degrees in each of our relationships. You know that frustration and anxiety that comes up when a friend cancels on you last minute? Or when you find out that a family member lied to you? These are examples of betrayal because they shake the connection and general sense of safety that we thrive on as humans. Because safety is determined by predictability, when unpredictable events happen in life and in our relationships, we feel unsafe and experience a whole host of emotions along with that.”

How do we define betrayal trauma?

We would define betrayal trauma as betrayal that occurs in a way that leads to more intense distress than just a feeling of betrayal. A friend canceling on you last minute may make you feel betrayed, but your brain most likely will not code that as trauma. However, finding out a partner cheated on you or experiencing sexual abuse from a family member will most likely result in betrayal trauma because the severity of the betrayal would probably present itself in intense distress for you. Betrayal trauma can be from a one-time event (i.e. finding out about an affair) or occur over a span of time (i.e. repeated lying in a relationship). 

Here are some examples of experiences that may result in betrayal trauma:

  • Partner cheating on you

  • Sexual assault/rape

  • Discovering a family secret

  • Childhood abuse (physical, sexual, and/or emotional)

You may notice that you have experienced betrayal trauma if you experience any of the following:

  • Difficulty trusting others

  • Low self-worth or self-esteem

  • Shame and self-blame for actions done to you

  • Inability to maintain longer-term relationships

How is treating betrayal trauma different from other forms of trauma treatment?

You may notice that betrayal trauma is due to a social connection of some kind, which makes the treatment of betrayal trauma slightly more relational than the treatment of trauma from something like a car accident or hurricane. I tend to work with clients on rebuilding relationships in their life because betrayal trauma can make it difficult to want to engage intimately with others again. Additionally, betrayal trauma can not only affect our relationships with others (making it difficult to trust) but can also affect our own sense of identity. I tend to see my clients feel shame (“I should have known better”), fear (“is this going to happen to me again?”), and unloved (“what is wrong with me?”). Betrayal trauma work is about simultaneously developing a healthy sense of self while also working to discern how to engage in healthy relationships with others. 

If you find you are still struggling to communicate about these issues, sometimes it is helpful to find a therapist to help you articulate your feelings and concerns. Our therapist matchmaker is skilled at finding the right therapeutic fit, and offers free 20-minute consultations. You can book a consultation below.

Interested in a more in-depth dive with your partner? We currently offer 2-day or 3-day intensives for couples. Each day of the intensives involves 3 hours of processing for either 2 or 3 days. One benefit of intensives is being able to meet for significant periods of processing time without having to plan for childcare, time off of work, or other scheduling headaches on a weekly basis. Interested? Schedule a consultation below.

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Lauryn Lucido, LMFT
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