Timeout Protocol
Do you and your partner get into arguments in which one or both of you starts to yell? And you can’t really remember exactly what you said or what they said but you’re both super upset?
When we get to this point of emotional dysregulation, the pre-frontal cortex (a part of our brain responsible for decision-making and inhibiting inappropriate actions) is essentially non-operational. This is why we can’t remember exactly what we said or why we said it, just that we don’t feel great about it.
If you find yourself in conflict like this often, there are a few things you can try to help create an environment for more productive conversation to occur. There should be very few reasons for you to yell or be yelled at, so trying a timeout protocol may help limit this way of engaging in conflict.
One of you will need to be aware that yelling is happening and attempt to stop it by saying “Hey I think we need a timeout.” If you both struggle to have the awareness needed to stop before things escalate, individual therapy can help you address the pain/trauma that might be contributing to your inability to pause in these moments.
Both of you should set a timer for 30 minutes and take space away from each other. This is about how long it takes for the stress hormones in your body to dissipate. You can breathe, meditate, pray, scroll on Instagram, walk around, put on a show, literally whatever will help you calm down so your pre-frontal cortex can come back online.
After the 30 minutes are up, come back together and try to have your conversation again. Try to lead with “I feel” statements and seek to understand what your partner might be feeling or expressing.
If one of you starts yelling again, repeat steps 1-3 until you are able to hear and connect with each other.
If this goes on for more than a couple times and you’re unable to resolve the conflict after a couple of hours, it sounds like you might need some additional support to address the “pain cycle” you and your partner find yourselves in. The hope is that you would both be able to learn to self-regulate so your conversations are helpful and connecting.
*A quick note about conflict: Not all conflict is bad, what is most important is if you can resolve it effectively so that no major resentment builds up in the relationship.*
If you are looking for some support to deal with this (either as an individual or as a couple), feel free to schedule a 30 minute free consultation with our Therapist Matchmaker. She would be happy to get you connected to either me or one of our other therapists who provide individual therapy, couples therapy or couples intensives!
Interested in learning more about our unique approach to trauma therapy?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
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