How to Safely Talk to Loved Ones About Your Trauma, Part III

Written By Ocean Shapiro, MSW

You’ve done a whole lot of preparation: you’ve thought of what you want to tell your loved one, why, which triggers might come up and how to soothe yourself accordingly, which questions you’ll field (and won’t), when to take breaks, and whether you want to talk about the impact of your trauma on your relationship with the person you’re telling. You’ve even practiced soothing with triggers and taking breaks as needed to help your central nervous system feel safe when you’re distressed. (Missed those? Here is Part I & Part II) The question is, how do we translate all of that work into having the conversation itself?

Tell Your Loved One Your Boundaries In Advance

That’s right: you want to tell them each of the things you decided you want or don’t want from them as a result of telling your story.* Let them cook. 

This step can be exceptionally difficult after trauma where your boundaries were violated or blamed for your pain. This is why I encourage you to:

  1. Prepare for triggers around safety and trust when you’re telling them*

  2. Think about how you’ll tell them what you want and won’t want in advance, as well as how you’ll frame why you’ll be talking about your trauma with them

  3. Allow yourself breaks when you need them

  4. Above all else, have this conversation when you feel ready to, with the understanding that you can stop it at any time

Everything you’ve been preparing for is going to help you not only have as healing of a conversation as you can, but also practice listening to yourself and setting boundaries that help you feel safer and more present in your everyday life. Everyone deserves to feel safe and present. Modeling that by caring for yourself before you even discuss your trauma will also help other people feel like they deserve the same. Your healing work deserves the care, attention, and time that you deserve. It has the potential to help others in the ways you needed in the past. Which is why it’s important to plan for some extra support, too.

Planning for Backup

You want to have other support available in case you need it, beforehand, during a break in the conversation, or after it’s done. Especially if your loved one has an intense or negative reaction to your story, having other forms of support available can be the difference between feeling retraumatized and empowered for having tried to talk about what you need.

First and foremost, I recommend having other loved ones available. Let them know you’ll be talking about something really difficult and that you might need some encouragement or distraction if you’re feeling particularly bad.** I wouldn’t recommend trying to tell someone else your story immediately after. It takes a lot of emotional energy to go back to something so painful in your past more than once in the same day. But making sure they understand what you might need from them in advance (just like you prepared your loved one for) can help even if the conversation starts to feel triggering, but is still going well. You’ll have someone in the wings ready for you with some form of support you feel comfortable with, no matter what comes up.

Second, if you have a therapist, it can be really helpful to talk about the conversation in advance, schedule a session for after the conversation ends, or just let them know you might send them a message afterward about how it went. Knowing someone who understands your trauma and is aware of this big step you’re taking can make you feel like someone really gets what’s happening and can receive how you’re feeling on the other side.

Lastly, have some advocacy lines available! There are many free support lines you can call to talk about how you’re feeling, staffed by people who want to listen. My three favorites to recommend are: 

  1. Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860 

  2. Blackline (for BIPOC people with an LGBTQ+ black femme lens): 1(800) 604-5841

  3. THRIVE Lifeline (for text-based crisis support, focusing on multiple marginalized communities): 1(313) 662-8209

I like these support lines because they will not involve the police at any time, and I want to be sensitive to people who’d be further traumatized were they to have to engage with police and/or be hospitalized because of how they’re feeling. That being said, look up support lines for people who live in your area or are more specific to your identity and needs. It’s ok to want people to be a little trained in your lived experience before you talk to them about some of your deepest wounds.

Having The Conversation

Last thing: this conversation will be human, just like you. It won’t be “perfect,” your loved one might say or ask something wack, and your triggers might not be as predictable as you’d hoped they’d be. But you’ll have tried to shed some light on your lived experience with someone you care about and care for yourself at the same time.

I couldn’t be more proud of you for the effort. It’s a hard thing, this, being human, and you deserve healthy, safe connection with others, especially after you’ve been hurt. It’s commendable to try to find it, no matter the outcome. ✨

Next Step: Are you still pressing the panic button at the thought of any type of conversation about your trauma, but need to find a way to have it? Check out how Woven approaches trauma and communicating your needs at https://woventraumatherapy.com/trauma-therapy. You can also reach out to Ocean for a free consultation at ocean@gideonpsych.com or (310)361-5538.

Interested in learning more about our unique approach to trauma therapy?

These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:

You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:

References:

  1. How To Explain Trauma To A Partner | Mindwell NYC. (2022, September 14). Mindwellnyc.com. https://mindwellnyc.com/how-to-explain-trauma-to-a-partner/*

  2. Caramela, S. (2023, July 23). How to Tell Your Loved Ones About Your Trauma | HealthyPlace.www.healthyplace.com. https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2023/7/how-to-tell-your-loved-ones-about-your-trauma**

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You’ve done a whole lot of preparation: you’ve thought of what you want to tell your loved one, why, which triggers might come up and how to soothe yourself accordingly, which questions you’ll field (and won’t), when to take breaks, and whether you want to talk about the impact of your trauma on your relationship with the person you’re telling. You’ve even practiced soothing with triggers and taking breaks as needed to help your central nervous system feel safe when you’re distressed. The question is, how do we translate all of that work into having the conversation itself? Let’s talk about it.

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Ocean Shapiro, MSW

Ocean Shapiro is an Associate Clinical Social Worker at Woven and specializes in Complex PTSD, sexual abuse and exploitation, stalking, intimate partner violence, childhood abuse, and 2SLGBTQIA+ as well as alternative relationship structure issues.

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