Gaslighting and Psychological Abuse
Gaslighting: to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
We get a lot of questions about gaslighting. One of the most common has to do with whether or not the experience "counts" as gaslighting, and where gaslighting fits under the Trauma umbrella. Gaslighting feeds off of confusion and murkiness, so let's shed some light here.
Chronic gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. This manipulates the listener into questioning their own reality so that the "gaslighter" can escape accountability, guilt, or any wounds to their ego. It is sometimes also used as a means to control the other person.
🔎When it’s NOT gaslighting
At some point in time, most of us have experienced having our thoughts, feelings, or reality minimized or denied by someone else. Usually, this is in the form of "baby" gaslight-esque moments that might have been confusing or aggravating but could be explained in a way that felt true: such as poor communication, bad word choice, and/or genuine, mutual confusion about the situation.
Gaslight-esque moments also happen when words have been said thoughtlessly (such as during a conflict) and retracted or re-examined soon after. You’re more likely to heal naturally from these moments when you have a good foundation of trust and emotional safety with the other person, when you sense that they don't mean to hurt you, and when both of you are committed to resolution and repair. When this is the case, "gaslighting" is probably too strong of a word.
🔎When it IS gaslighting
Some of you have experienced chronic gaslighting, in which case the other person rarely takes accountability and frequently finds a way to shift the blame back onto you. They might aggressively, tiredly, or even sweetly, give reasons why you are wrong and your perception is flawed. Their exaggerated attitude or apparent confidence (both typical in gaslighting scenarios) add to your sense of “what the hell just happened”? These moments might leave you feeling “crazy,” shut down, or resentful. You might even become paranoid about your own perceptions, critical or skeptical as to the validity of your thoughts, emotions, and behavior. If this is you, you’re probably exhausted.
THIS IS WHAT GASLIGHTING FEELS LIKE:
Psychological toll
Over time, repeated gaslighting causes deep psychological wounds. We begin to question reality, which shifts all the things in our world that had previously felt safe. In trauma therapy, this is something that we often see in survivors of Complex PTSD and relational trauma (including intimate partner betrayal and childhood/family trauma).
Someone with this type of psychological trauma might experience:
➕ Depression
➕ Isolation
➕ Spinning thoughts
➕ Huge decline in self-confidence
➕ Rage at the offender or herself
➕ Mounting helplessness
➕ Loss of identity
➕ Internalized gaslighting ⏩
⏩Internalized gaslighting
If you hear the messages of gaslighting enough times, you will most likely start to internalize them. They start to come from within us, not just from outside. This shift might cause compounded emotional wounds, as you may feel a sense of self-betrayal in addition to the hurt caused by others.
If this sounds like you, it is essential to find a support system of people who can help you find a stable footing. Once it’s safe enough, you can start to rebuild and strengthen your sense of reality and identity. In my experience, the most effective remedy for this is a combination of social and therapeutic support. This means trustworthy and dependable friends, therapy or support groups, and/or working with a therapist who is familiar with this type of trauma.
If you need more educational resources on trauma, its impact on our bodies, and the ways we can better manage our healing, we have an online collective called Traumastery and you can join at any time. It’s a cost-effective way to get 12 months of trauma education, meditations, monthly webinars, and much more. We’d love to have you join us.
If you need more individual support, we have a team of trauma therapists at Gideon Psych who are ready to step in and help. You can schedule a free 30-minute consultation here. (California residents only.)
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
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