A Deeper Dive into Netflix’s “Maid”
By now, you’ve probably seen the show MAID pop up on your Netflix suggestions. You might have even watched it and it gave you a lot to think about. Maid points out some incredibly important nuances to how abusive relationships and domestic violence play out for those attempting to escape. Let’s talk through the important things that happened over the series that help you understand what you are going through or what others might suffer when trying to escape. I’ll pepper in my thoughts as a trauma therapist to perhaps give some context for how trauma plays a role in these dynamics (There are some spoilers in this blog.)
Statistically, those that leave abusive situations are likely to return to the abuser more than once. Those that leave these relationships typically suffer the judgment of “going back” to the painful and dangerous relationship, but this happens for any number of reasons. Here are some of the most common reasons I see in my own clinical work with this population:
Lack of legal resources and will lose custody of shared children if they remain separated.
Financial worries, lack of job opportunities, fear of their financial future.
Child Protective Services only having documented issues with abused living situations, rather than having documented proof of abuse. So the abused is forced back to the relationship for fear of having social services take their children
Not being believed when they report.
Lack of “evidence” to report to the police so their claims are seen as “unfounded” and they cannot access social services.
They are convinced to return because of the “honeymoon” stage of the abuse cycle (more on that later).
Unexpected pregnancy.
History of the relationship or sense of loyalty.
Any number of reasons that are personal, nuanced, and difficult for anyone to understand outside of these situations.
Emotional abuse is a legitimate and insidious type of abuse.
I was happy to see this made its way into the Maid series. This is perhaps one of the most frustrating and problematic parts of our legal and social services system. Those that sustain emotional abuse are less likely to receive services, support, or be believed. She certainly experienced some physically threatening and terrifying experiences, but the emotional abuse she sustained did not come with cuts, bruises or a r*pe and, therefore, was not as easily identifiable to those “assessing” her for services.
This can even play out with family and friends. We see this in the ways that her friends remain connected to her abuser and downplayed the impact of his emotional abuse. It is not uncommon for survivors to have to convince others of their terror or suffering and some remain unbelieved and seen as problematic.
There is a cycle and it’s predictable.
Trauma tends to feel chaotic and unpredictable, but abuse has a cycle and it can help you predict what happens next. Domestic violence and abuse is pretty predictable across most relationships. Most that are stuck in these situations do not know about the cycle or do not know how to get out.
The cycle starts with a honeymoon phase. This is literally the butterfly and roses part of the relationship. There are big promises made, some love bombing, and the abuser is able to successfully convince themselves and their partner into believing they are not dangerous or abusive.
Then there’s a tension-building stage. This is when seemingly small faults or issues tend to cause an inappropriate amount of tension or frustration in the abuser. This creates a lot of codependency or people-pleasing patterns in the survivor because they are trying to keep the other calm and avoid any explosion (even if there hasn’t quite been an explosion yet - our bodies are alerting us to danger).
Inevitably, there’s the explosion stage. This is when the tension finally meets a pinnacle and there’s some explosion of rage, substance use, unpredictable behavior, and such. This typically gets worse over time. It might start out with small explosions like smashing a cell phone or screaming and then can escalate into physical, emotional, or sexual violence.
There’s usually some demonstration of regret on behalf of the abuser and then you cycle back into the honeymoon phase again. There are usually big apologies, regret, promises to be different, and big plans made for a promised future of no violence. Of course, because this is a cycle, it leads back into the tension-building stage.
We see this cycle play out in Maid when her abuser comes back around promising change. We even see how he has a long history with the main character’s family, which causes her to feel temporarily seen and understood in the midst of her mother’s mental health crisis. These moments initiate the honeymoon phase again, which inevitably ended with a tension-building phase, isolation (more on that later), and then the explosion.
Resources are a literal game-changer for those leaving these situations.
The most important factor in leaving an abusive relationship is resources. It is not necessarily therapy-- that comes later when you are out of harm’s way. It’s not necessarily education-- that can help validate you and give you some support in making a decision to leave. But the real game-changer is resources.
Resources include money, housing, childcare, employment, clothing, phone, education, food, transportation, legal aid, social support, and anything else that might help a person survive without needing to contact their abuser again.
This tends to be the thing that outsiders react to negatively. It seems excessive that a person would be so reliant on “handouts” in order to make it on their own. Outsiders might even believe that people are taking advantage of a system or “not working hard enough.” Remember that abuse often starts by cutting people off from their loved ones, resources, jobs, and ability to leave. This makes the survivor dependent upon the abuser so they are less likely to leave after an explosion. When someone is leaving an abusive relationship, the ability to survive without contacting their abuser for money, food, or transportation is the most supportive thing we can do for them.
Isolation is an important warning sign
One of the first assessment questions I ask in a clinical setting where there’s likely domestic abuse is: What access do you have to others when you need help? Predictably, there’s usually a pattern of isolating a person from independence, family, support, or resources. This can happen with demanding to go through someone’s phone, refusing to give them transportation, or cutting them off from family with lies or explosive moments.
We see this in Maid when the main character moves back into the abuser’s house. Her car is immediately returned, her cell phone is cut off “for financial reasons”, and she’s left completely dependent upon the schedule, financial support, and kindness of a man that’s currently in the tension-building phase. We see her deep depression and helplessness slam into her almost immediately. She had hoped for something so much better than what she left. She was promised more, but she finds herself in the abuse cycle once again.
Education and the prospect of college should not be the only “out” for people in abusive situations.
I loved watching the main character, Alex, thrive in educationally stimulating environments. It was a point of hope for her to reach for when she needed a way out of her current situation. But education and college should not be the only way that someone can exit a toxic and abusive relationship. These factors are not available to everyone for a variety of reasons, most including socioeconomic factors. There should be an exit ramp for anyone that wants to leave a relationship. Relationships are only consensual when all parties get to make a daily decision to be there. They become coercive, toxic, and abusive when someone is trapped and waiting on the next explosion.
Abuse can happen to anyone, no matter their socioeconomic status.
No one is exempt from the terrors of abuse. Higher socioeconomic status does not necessarily protect a person from domestic violence. We might think that having more financial means protects someone from having to stay in such horrific conditions. But the important factor is access to financial resources. It can play out in a number of ways:
Lack of access to financial resources needed to leave
Fear of the legal retribution of leaving and knowing they cannot match the ability of their abusive partner to hire the very best attorneys
Abusive partner having the financial means to harass, stalk, and otherwise terrify the partner leaving.
In other words, these things can happen in all households and it’s important to not discount the experience of those that have a pretty exterior.
If you are in an abusive relationship, here are some resources for you. Take good care of yourself. We’re here when you’re ready.
If you need a mental health professional to help you better understand your relationships, you can sign up for a free 30-minute consultation with our therapist matchmaker (California residents only). We provide virtual online therapy and have therapists who are trained in EMDR therapy. We also offer many different types of trauma therapy groups in addition to the Women’s Support Group mentioned above. All of our therapists specialize in trauma-informed care, and informed trauma therapy.
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
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