Ways to protect yourself from emotional manipulation

Written By Quincee Gideon

Okay, I’ve been waiting to write this blog for a long time. I’m serious. My favorite thing to do is to stop toxicity and abuse in its tracks by empowering folks to see emotional manipulation from a mile away. Are you ready? Here are the ways to protect yourself from emotional manipulation:

Take your time at the beginning of any relationship. 

  • The rule of thumb at the beginning of any relationship (whether it’s with a new congregation, leader, boss, or romantic partner) is to take your time. There’s no rushing in this phase. You need time to examine how the system works, whether you feel safe or unease, and exactly what happens when people dissent. Are you treated badly if you have questions or concerns about the teaching or leadership decisions? Is your gender, sexual orientation, or political views used against you at any time? 

  • Give yourself a time frame to keep yourself accountable before making any big decisions. Maybe you give yourself 6 months to just observe, learn, and pay attention before deciding to join, support, give money, or change any part of your life in a big way. 

Watch out for love-bombing behavior. 

  • We’ve talked about love-bombing in this space but it bears repeating.  Watch out for any behavior at the beginning of your relationship with a church or religious organization that flatters you without knowing you, promises you things that seem a bit outlandish, or guarantees some wisdom about the world that you wouldn’t otherwise have. This is classic love-bombing and it makes us feel loyal to relationships, leaders, or organizations before we actually know what they are fully about. 

Limit your tolerance of passive aggression, guilt, and chaos. 

  • When it comes to religious organizations, limiting your tolerance for guilt, shame, passive-aggressive messages from members and/or leaders can be a quick way of avoiding emotional manipulation from the beginning.  Stay alert to messages that make you feel like you’ve done something wrong or you are something wrong. We all want to be better humans, but guilt and shame are often used to manipulate and control because the church is now in a position of giving you all the right steps/answers to solve your guilt and shame, and that’s dangerous. 

  • Also, be on the lookout for chaos with leadership or religious organizations. Many toxic churches or religious organizations will whip their members up into a frenzy and cause them to act in violent, coercive, or otherwise harmful ways. If there are plans to harm, overtake, and plan anything that hurts other people, stop right there.  Don’t go any further with this church (or person, for that matter). 

Practice boundaries early and often. 

  • As always, I’m here to give you a boundary talk.  Your boundaries are limits and they are personal.  Pay attention to ways that your boundaries are violated, ignored, or shamed.  Pay attention to the ways that your body might be alerting you to danger through increased anxiety or feelings of helplessness. 

What’s the big picture here? 

  • And finally, always ask yourself “What is the big picture here?” when involved with any religious organization.  Instead of asking “What are their intentions?”, ask instead “What is the impact of their decisions and rules?” The impact is more important than intentions.

Need a little extra help?

If you feel that you need support protecting yourself from emotional manipulation, our therapists can help. You can book a free consultation with our therapist matchmaker to explore online or in-person therapy (CA residents only).

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