Surviving the Dating Scene as a Trauma Survivor
Navigating the dating scene is tricky even in the best of circumstances. Throw in a global pandemic and things get even messier. On top of that, if you have a history of trauma, it sometimes feels easier to avoid the dating scene altogether. But, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming and there is a way forward. Understanding how trauma affects you and your relationships is fundamental for establishing healthy and successful relationships. Trauma is anything that overwhelms the nervous system. In this process, trauma rewires the brain to orient itself towards safety. This makes being vulnerable, a necessary component of a relationship, seem next to impossible. The ways in which trauma survivors attempt to find safety in the context of a new relationship can cause one of two problems in the dating scene - over-sharing or under-sharing. Here is how that works:
Disclosing Too Soon
Because trauma is such a life altering experience, it is easy to fall into the mindset that trauma defines you. If this is a subconscious belief that you hold, you might tend to present yourself as damaged, flawed, or a victim when entering new relationships. As such, you will lead with your trauma and overemphasize it, believing that to understand your trauma is to know you. And while your trauma is a part of you, it does not define you. There is so much more to you than your trauma history.
Many survivors also experience intense and unregulated emotions, which are another product of an overwhelmed nervous system. As a result, we might look to others to help us manage our feelings (this is called co-regulation). While social support is an important ingredient in emotional health, your partner is not responsible for managing all of your emotions. Don’t expect them to be your therapist or your entire support system. They are not there to heal your trauma, they are there to support you as you heal your trauma. Check in with your expectations for pursuing a relationship and ensure that your motivation for sharing your trauma history is not simply to dump on the other person and have them be a container for the difficult feelings you don’t want to sit with.
Withholding Too Long
On the other end of the spectrum, you might find yourself withholding your trauma history. This can come from one of several faulty beliefs. Some people believe that their trauma is just too much for anyone to ever handle (themselves included!) and so seek to minimize and repress the story of what happened. Other people believe they will be rejected if they share all the details, so as a means of protecting themselves from rejection, and further emotional pain, they bury their story. For others, they haven’t spent any time processing their trauma, and the emotions can feel so raw an unmanageable that they try not to bring it up or even think about it.
Regardless of the motivation, withholding your trauma story is a form of avoidance, which is a hallmark trauma symptom in which survivors attempt to manage their trauma symptoms by denying or repressing them. While this provides temporary relief, it is not a long-term strategy and often makes things worse down the line. The goal of healing trauma is to process the natural feelings that come up in response to what happened, and to integrate the event(s) into an overall cohesive life narrative. This cannot be done through denial and avoidance. In the context of dating, avoidance can be particularly damaging. If you wait too long to share about the important details of your life, it may be perceived as dishonest. Additionally, you cannot be fully loved and accepted until you are fully known. So if you have experienced trauma, disclosing that at some point will be necessary for having a healthy relationship.
There is no formula or script for sharing your trauma within the context of a new relationship. It will require you to learn how to trust your instincts and emotions again. Here are some general principles:
Establish safety first
Pay attention to indicators that the person is a reliable and respectful person. People always put their best foot forward at the beginning of relationships, so you may not see a person’s true colors immediately. There is no way to fully ensure that a new contact will be able to respond to your trauma in a helpful way, but, there are early indicators of a person’s character that should be paid attention to. Do they do what they say they are going to do? Do they respond empathically to your small hurts? Do they treat others with respect? Are they invested in their own health and wellbeing? Do they cope with their own stress effectively? These are good signs they might be a trustworthy person.
As trust increases, disclosure can increase.
Trust builds over time. Once the person has demonstrated that they can be consistent, reliable, and trustworthy, spend more time with them and disclose more to them. Notice how it feels and how they respond. Does it feel safe to share about your experiences with them? Or do you hold certain things back because of how you have seen them respond before?
Start with sharing generalities and add detail over time.
Begin by sharing that something happened with as few details as possible. You might start by saying something like, “I had a bad experience in my past relationship,” or “I have been hurt by someone I thought I could trust,” or “I lived through this particular type of event that had a big impact on me.” Again, notice how they respond and how you feel.” After time has passed and trust has been built, consider disclosing a bit more and giving the person a bit more insight into what happened and how it affected you. You might say something like, “I was taken advantage of previously, so it’s hard for me to trust others,” or, “I was mistreated by a family member, so it is triggering for me to be emotionally intimate with others.” The final step is to disclose what happened, how it impacted you, and what specifically you need. For example, “The sexual assault I experienced makes physical intimacy challenging for me. I need to be with someone who will go slowly and respect my boundaries,” or “I grew up in a household where I was neglected, so I am particularly sensitive to rejection. I need to hear verbally how you are feeling on a regular basis.”
While navigating a traumatic history can be difficult, it does not preclude you from having successful and fulfilling relationships. Having an awareness of how you orient to new people can provide meaningful insights that will help you establish healthy relationships. By understanding how you share or withhold sensitive information in the context of a new partnership, you will better be able to navigate the vulnerability of relationships.
If you need a mental health professional to help you better understand your relationships, you can sign up for a free 30-minute consultation with therapist matchmaker to get you connected with your new therapist (California residents only). We provide online therapy and have therapists who are trained in emdr therapy. We also offer many different types of trauma therapy groups. All of our therapists specialize in trauma-informed care, and informed trauma therapy.
All therapists at Woven Together Trauma Therapy are trauma-informed and specialize in treating all forms of trauma. We also offer EMDR, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, and Brainspotting which has shown to be extremely effective in treating and healing trauma. Want to read more about our unique therapy options?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
If you would like to learn more about Brainspotting, check out our blog: What is Brainspotting?
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