Can I Heal When There is Betrayal in My Marriage?
How is betrayal defined?
Betrayal can be defined as a violation of love or safety. We frequently experience betrayal in varying degrees in each of our relationships. Have you ever felt that frustration and anxiety that comes up when a friend cancels on you last minute? Or when you find out that a family member lied to you? These are examples of betrayal because they shake up the connection and question your general sense of safety that you thrive on as human. Safety is determined by predictability, so when unpredictable events happen in life and in your relationships, you feel unsafe and experience a whole host of emotions along with that. In marriage, betrayal can feel intensified because there’s an expectation that this person is supposed to know you and love you better than anyone else.
What might I feel after betrayal?
There are many emotions that come up when you discover something about your partner that contradicts the love and safety of your relationship. You might feel:
Sad
Anxious
Scared
Unsafe
Unloved
Uncertain
You might even experience some PTSD-like symptoms (heart racing, sweating, shaking, etc.).
All of these emotions make sense, and it is important to validate your experiences before doing anything else. Your feelings are not wrong or bad. In fact, they actually help you to survive.
Ok, so what should I do?
Depending on the type of betrayal, there are some things you can do to manage what you are experiencing in order to heal.
Self regulate.
You are probably feeling a lot of different emotions, so it is important to slow down and try to articulate your feelings in a constructive way. Some ideas for helping your mind slow down are:
Count down from 100 by 7 (100, 93, 86, 79, 72…).
Breathe in for 5 seconds, then out for 5 seconds, and repeat that 10 times
Name animals in order from A to Z (aardvark, badger, cougar, etc.)
These activities serve to regulate your nervous system and help you notice your emotions without being overcome by them. We also have an entire masterclass on nervous system regulation that you can sign up for here:
Create safety.
If there is any physical violence present, your safety is of the utmost importance, so please go somewhere safe. If the betrayal is more of an emotional/psychological nature, it will be important to reestablish expectations and set up boundaries in order to create a safer relationship. Check out this blog for more information about boundaries:
Seek out support.
If you struggle to communicate and discuss your needs, expectations, and/or boundaries, I recommend couples therapy! Betrayal is a difficult experience to sort through for both the betrayed and the betrayer. Betrayal is usually the result of complex emotions and dynamics within a couple so it is oftentimes helpful to have a trained professional help you sort through what is going on. You can schedule a free consultation with our therapist matchmaker below (California residents only). We provide online therapy and have therapists who are trained in EMDR therapy. We also offer many different types of trauma therapy groups. All of our therapists specialize in trauma-informed care, and informed trauma therapy
Experience healing.
After you have self-regulated, found safety, and sought out support, now is a great time to reinvest in your relationship, provided that is the safe and healthy step forward. Sometimes, stepping away from the relationship is necessary to get safe and healthy, but if reconnecting and reestablishing health in the relationship is your next step, you can check out this blog for some ideas:
All therapists at Woven Together Trauma Therapy are trauma-informed and specialize in treating all forms of trauma. We also offer EMDR therapy, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, and Brainspotting therapy which all have shown to be extremely effective in treating and healing trauma. Want to read more about our unique therapy options?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR therapy:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
If you would like to learn more about Brainspotting therapy, check out our blog: What is Brainspotting?