You know how to read other people and assess for danger (read: rejection) better than you know yourself. That’s where that whole confusing-their-needs-for-yours thing gets so hard to tease apart: fawning can feel like knowing exactly what someone wants and being in alignment with that and that alone. But fawning is actually knowing how to protect yourself (most of the time) from being ignored, unaccepted, or pushed to the side by catering to the potential abandonment-risk-of-a-person in front of you.

Most people try to please others at some point. It’s a pretty human thing to do. But they’re usually doing it from a place of being in touch with their own needs, emotions, and sense of self-worth that transcends whatever they can do for another person. So what happens when someone isn’t?

When someone is in an abusive relationship, they might stay and try to “fawn” their abuser, making sure their meal is cooked by the time they get home, their favorite beer is fully stocked in the fridge, and their kids are put to sleep. They “fawn” so that their abuser doesn’t explode. It’s a protective mechanism to prevent their abuser from causing more damage.

Let’s say you’ve got a good handle on a couple of triggers you have. You thought you knew what put you in “The Bad Place,” but now you’ve got a couple more things that you’re aware of. Now you can recognize when you’re feeling terrible, and maybe even how you’re feeling, in general, a good amount of the time. That’s great! Let’s talk about actually *doing* all those things on that list.

You know most people think of productivity as doing the most at the flip of a switch. You also know that doesn’t describe you outside of the rare day you finish some things, but also go into that fuzzy space where fingernails magically get chewed off and you forget to feed yourself, let alone blink. And you know productivity should be attainable. It should account for people like you with PTSD.

Your brain is very good at scanning your environment, both internally and externally, for threats to your survival. In fact, it’s probably reacting to perceived threats most of the time you can’t seem to take that next step in your day. And that doesn’t make you “unproductive” or “lazy.” It just means your brain frequently has different goals than you want it to. But why is it so hard to be productive after trauma? Read more to learn why.

If or when you start dating, you may find that you and your partner have different backgrounds when it comes to romance, relationships, and sex. Let’s dive into the many things to think about when navigating the lasting effects of purity culture with a partner.

After leaving Purity Culture, the ambiguity we face after a loss of structure can feel debilitating. How do we relate to ourselves? How do we relate to others? There are no longer clear-cut answers about when you should have sex and what you should want from a relationship.

Purity Culture was typically closely connected with American Evangelical churches and ministries of the 80’s and 90’s. We are now learning how much damage purity culture has done to those trapped within it. Let’s talk about how to heal after leaving purity culture.

Complex trauma is highly relational in nature. Relational trauma refers to mistreatment by another person, and for those living with complex trauma, this often means chronic misattunement, abuse, or neglect by emotionally immature, misattuned, or narcissistic caregivers. Many children living through this near-constant traumatization develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).  So, what does healing from C-PTSD, or complex trauma, look like? Let’s dive in.

Like any complex trauma, healing from religious trauma is not linear. Because cults or fundamentalist religious communities tend to try to control your whole lifestyle and internal experiences, religious trauma encompasses so much: your relationships, thoughts, feelings, body, sexuality, and finances– just to name a few. Here are some potential signs that you’re healing from religious trauma.

If you are someone who identifies as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, religion can be a tricky beast as queerness is not usually celebrated in most church communities. For some people, religion can feel protective, risky, or a combination of the two. What’s worse: many Christian faith traditions believe that you cannot identify as LGBTQIA+ and be a Christian.

Why do so many religious trauma survivors have OCD? Something that you may not know is that religious trauma and obsessive, compulsive symptoms frequently go hand-in-hand. This might be a little difficult to grasp so take your time reading this post. If you have OCD and religious trauma, it could be relieving for you to realize the connection is not just you. 

In rigid, high-control religious environments, you may be taught that there is a specific way to relate to others that is permissible in the eyes of God. This formulaic, dogmatic, and fear-based teaching may get in the way of healthy relational development.

Many people with marginalized identities face hate, discrimination, and bullying related to those identities. Some of this hate is external, but there can also be internalized hate against these identities that have been learned from other people or society. One common way people may cope in response to hate, discrimination, and bullying, is by compartmentalizing their marginalized identities.