You know how to read other people and assess for danger (read: rejection) better than you know yourself. That’s where that whole confusing-their-needs-for-yours thing gets so hard to tease apart: fawning can feel like knowing exactly what someone wants and being in alignment with that and that alone. But fawning is actually knowing how to protect yourself (most of the time) from being ignored, unaccepted, or pushed to the side by catering to the potential abandonment-risk-of-a-person in front of you.

Most people try to please others at some point. It’s a pretty human thing to do. But they’re usually doing it from a place of being in touch with their own needs, emotions, and sense of self-worth that transcends whatever they can do for another person. So what happens when someone isn’t?

When someone is in an abusive relationship, they might stay and try to “fawn” their abuser, making sure their meal is cooked by the time they get home, their favorite beer is fully stocked in the fridge, and their kids are put to sleep. They “fawn” so that their abuser doesn’t explode. It’s a protective mechanism to prevent their abuser from causing more damage.