Religious Trauma and Delayed Sexual Development
Why do I feel bad about sex 20 years later?
One of the most painful aspects of religious trauma is sexual repression. In psychological research, we see that early life trauma results in developmental delays. This is because brain development can be interrupted by maltreatment, neglect, or abuse in adolescence or childhood. You can read more about other ways religious trauma affects development, such as delayed relational development and delayed emotional development, in my other blog posts.
For people who grew up in cultish religious environments, rigid messaging that our sexuality is evil can delay normal sexual development. Abusive spiritual messaging that says our natural sexual urges or bodily sensations are going to lead us to hell teaches us to distrust, demonize, and repress our sexual selves. At its worst, sexual abuse in the church can leave survivors dissociating when issues of sexuality arise. For those from LGBTQIA backgrounds, this shame is particularly pronounced by pervasive threatening homophobic attitudes in the church. Sexual repression seeps into how we consciously and unconsciously relate to our sexuality. Unfortunately, the shame of sexual repression can continue to affect us long after we consciously reject the specific theology we once consumed.
Here are the signs that you may be struggling with delayed sexual development from religious trauma:
You feel guilty when you experience sexual pleasure.
Sexual repression, as well as the glorification of “denying ourselves” in religious doctrine, teaches us to distrust pleasure. It demonizes what naturally feels good, and our natural bodily pleasures are labeled as sinful. This shame seeps into the bedroom, and you may feel guilty to “indulge” in what feels good. The sexual repression theology creeps up in your head, and you may feel like you are not allowed to fully enjoy sex. This may lead you to dissociate in the bedroom and continue to deny yourself sexual pleasure long after you’ve moved away from sexually repressive theology.
2. You are ashamed of your kinks.
The religious trauma guilt about sexual pleasure may be compounded by any kinks you have. If your kinks or sexual fantasies are not vanilla, religious trauma may tell you that these kinks are dangerous, shameful, or even pathological. You may have a nagging fear that these kinks make you unlovable, and that you need to deny their existence to be acceptable. In reality, being honest with ourselves (and our partners) about kinks and sexual fantasies could be the first step to acceptance and becoming unstuck in sexual developmental delay.
3. You find it hard to express your needs in the bedroom.
Internalized shame toward sexual fantasies and pleasure can make it hard for you to express your needs during sex. Women or nonbinary people with religious trauma may already feel pressured against centering their needs in the bedroom due to the common heteronormative narrative that straight cis-gendered men’s pleasure matter most. If you struggle with religious trauma and any form of sexual pleasure feels wrong to even acknowledge, communicating your needs to your partner could feel near impossible. You may fear that you are unlovable to your partner if you share your supposedly shameful needs, even if your partner welcomes and wants to center your pleasure.
What do I do now?
If you feel that you are experiencing delayed sexual development from religious trauma, there are many steps you can take to start reclaiming your sexuality. Our monthly religious trauma membership offers countless resources for survivors. If you are interested in getting professional support, you can book a free consultation with our therapist matchmaker to explore online individual (CA residents only) therapy for religious trauma.