Have you ever wondered, “Do my experiences qualify as ‘trauma?’” You might feel disconnected from your past, or even from yourself, making it difficult to clearly understand your trauma. Despite this uncertainty, you might feel deeply wounded, and struggle to continue on as if nothing is wrong. Something that happened in your life has changed you, and navigating both who you are, and what you’ve been through, has been difficult.

Here, I’ll break down the three steps for identifying trauma, so you can feel better equipped to decide what’s next.

Step 1: Acknowledge What Hurts

Even considering seeing a trauma therapist is a huge step in the recovery process. Why? Because it means that you’ve started to take a closer look at the areas that hurt. Before we move further, give yourself this victory!

If you’ve received toxic messages in your life that you feel like…

• Equate pain with weakness

• Don’t actually mean anything

• Aren’t “bad enough” to matter

• A host of other judgments and criticisms

I’m guessing these internalized attacks have already kept you stuck in your pain for long enough. I’ll say this with full confidence: 

YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL SHITTIER TO BE WORTHY OF ATTENTION OR HEALING.

Your story doesn’t have to be worse. Your losses don’t have to be greater. Your life doesn’t have to be harder. From wherever you’re sitting right now, you are worthy. You are precious. Please stay.

So, acknowledge what hurts. I’m talking about:

• Big things you don’t talk about but feel defined by

• Things that have changed you in ways you haven’t even fully processed

• All those little hurts that bleed out into your

  • Daily life

  • Relationships

  • Work

  • Creativity

• The way you think about yourself and other people

• How you parent your children

• How triggered you are by your spouse, partner, or family members

• Your response to imperfection

• Fears or cravings in social situations

• And so much more…

Once you acknowledge the pain you feel, the unconscious mind often reveals other painful memories and buried hurts, which can be emotionally overwhelming.  (BTW, this is a huge reason why finding a skilled trauma therapist to guide you through this process is vital to your emotional health, and allows you to begin healing and continue climbing mountains at work and in your personal life).   

At this point, one of two things typically happens:

1. We get curious (leaning in) - hint, hint, this is the way to go

2. We reject our feelings/insights (leaning away).  

Step 2:  Get Curious

Curious moments might be how you got here today. You might’ve taken a trauma quiz or googled “signs and symptoms of PTSD,” and thought “damn, there I am.” Curiosity brings us closer to our truths.

When we look closer, those “little” hurts are anything but little. Despite the anguish they’ve caused over the years, they may have been ignored or minimized simply because they weren’t life-threatening.

I’m talking about the times you were:

• Shamed

• Humiliated

• Terrified

• Disregarded

• Shut down as a child

• Chronically gaslit in adult relationships

If any of these “failure” narratives that make you feel stuck resonate with you, you might have a trauma related condition such as Complex PTSD (CPTSD). 

Explore this Step Using a Thought Experiment.

Think back to a time in your life when you needed help from a parent or caregiver, and you tried to express this need.

Depending on your age in this memory, there’s a good chance you expressed this need nonverbally:

• Crying

• Withdrawing

• Getting angry at inanimate objects

• Acting out

• Behaving differently

• Trying to do things perfectly

• Caring less (or more) about schoolwork

These are some of the ways we try to express ourselves as children, before we really understand what we need and how to ask for it.

If you were belittled, ignored, shamed, blamed, or shut down in this memory, that means your parent/caregiver taught you not to express that particular emotion or need. If this happens enough times, a CPTSD-like trauma response develops. The same shut-down process that causes this development is also why it can be difficult to know when you have trauma in your past: because you’ve become masterful at ignoring and minimizing your feelings.

Getting curious is how we crack open the door and let some light in. In other words, instead of rejecting your distressing feelings or experiences automatically, try to evaluate possible reasons for feeling that way other than whatever self-denigrating or self-effacing narratives that have been keeping you silent. Curiosity about your experiences is a kindness that says, “It’s possible that my feelings are actually valid, and I choose to explore this possibility,” or, “Maybe there’s a reason why I feel like shit so often.”

Curiosity is the courage to open the door.   

Step 3:  Connect the Dots

Once the door is open, it’s easier to see your symptoms and behaviors.  

Indications You’re Living with Trauma: 

• Emotional realities that feel out-of-proportion to the events of your life

• Excessive anger

• Depression

• Avoidance

• Anxiety

• Perfectionism

  • Intrusive, distressing memories

  • Obsessive thoughts or fears

• Fractured relationships

Trauma-Induced Behaviors:

• Frequent isolating

• Terror-filled ruminations

• Needing to be around people all the time

• Feeling disconnected despite appearing sociable, happy, or high-achieving

• Jumping from commitment to commitment

• Clinging to unfulfilling careers or people

• Saying “it’s OK” when it isn’t

• Believing that other people are more worthy or valuable than you are

• Avoidance of intimacy

• Uncomfortable slowing down or being alone

• Fear of being out in the world

• Overvaluation of distractions like sex, food, or alcohol

• Difficulty getting started or slowing down

• Difficulty leaving a toxic relationship (current or past)

• Exhaustive self-shaming  

• Excessive criticism or judgment of others

• Destructive patterns that you can’t get out of
  

Connecting the dots means acknowledging both your symptoms and behaviors. If you’ve identified at least 2 trauma indicators, and at least 3 processes from the list above, then you’re probably a trauma survivor.

If you’re ready to talk to someone about your experiences, you can book a free, 30-minute consultation with our therapist matchmaker to find the perfect therapeutic fit for you. (California residents only) All of our therapists specialize in trauma-informed care, and informed trauma therapy. If you’re not sure if individual therapy is right for you, read more about Different Types of Trauma Support.

Interested in learning more about complex trauma? Here are a few blogs discussing complex trauma and CPTSD.

How We Treat Complex PTSD

Difference Between Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD

Grief and Complex Trauma

Complex Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse

All therapists at Woven Together Trauma Therapy are trauma-informed and specialize in treating all forms of trauma. We also offer EMDR therapy, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, and Brainspotting therapy which all have shown to be extremely effective in treating and healing trauma. Want to read more about our unique therapy options?

These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR therapy:

• What is EMDR?

• EMDR: Your Questions Answered

• Woven’s Approach to EMDR

You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:

• What to Expect in Your First Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy Session

If you would like to learn more about Brainspotting therapy, check out our blog: What is Brainspotting?