Grief and Complex Trauma
“As we grieve, we free ourselves from the idolatry of deifying time efficiency.” ~ Pete Walker
Here, we explore some of the joys and challenges of grieving, especially as it relates to childhood wounds and complex trauma. You’ll learn some common reasons for avoiding and embracing grief, and also three resources to support your healing from trauma-induced grief right now.
Why do we grieve? 🎈
In trauma work, I hear this question all the time. Understandably, people want to know why it matters if they grieve their painful past (or present). Moreover, people worry about being overcome or undone by their grief, should they let it out. They worry about regressing or “getting worse.” Grief then becomes this dangerous thing to be locked away—at great cost to the Self. We’re here to talk about the complexities of grieving because this is one of the most powerful tools at your disposal to heal childhood wounds and other trauma across the lifespan.
Fully grieving will help you:
Rediscover your intuition and deeper levels of intelligence that already exist within you.
Accurately direct sadness, anger, and blame that you might be unconsciously projecting onto others when triggered.
Notice your triggers and allow you to respond thoughtfully.
Avoid automatic emotional reactions that seem larger than the situation.
Create room for new depth and intimacy in relationships.
So why don’t we grieve?
So many things can hold you back from grieving. A lot of this has to do with childhood experiences and trauma.
Common factors that may affect your thoughts or feelings about expressing sorrow or pain:
Cultural beliefs or norms
Implicit family rules
Toxic relationship history
Coping with current or ongoing trauma
Such as maintaining relationships with people who have hurt you or continue to hurt you
Fear of what you might discover about yourself or others
Worry that once you start, you won’t be able to stop
You might have additional barriers to grieving that aren’t completely innate or natural, meaning that you weren’t born with them. Instead, these are learned barriers that were developed out of necessity - to survive emotionally, psychologically, or physically at a point in life when your strength and choices were limited.
Yes, this probably means that if you’ve noticed strong barriers to grieving in your life, or have “walls up” in this area, there’s a good chance that childhood pain or trauma are behind those walls.
Barriers to Grieving
You might have difficulty grieving or avoid it altogether if you:
Grew up in a family that discouraged or shamed this natural and healthy practice.
Often feel overwhelmed by your grief and/or frightened by it.
Are triggered by traumatic memories or flashbacks when tapping into your grief.
Have buried your grief or don’t know how to access it.
Are in survival mode and don’t feel like grieving would be safe right now.
What can I do now?
3 Resources to Support Your Recovery from Trauma-Induced Grief You Can Use Right Now
Learn about treatment for CPTSD-induced grief in my latest blog, How We Treat Complex PTSD.
Check out Pete Walker’s The Tao of Fully Feeling for thorough and compassionate support around accessing and processing your grief. This is also an excellent resource for learning how to safely identify the impact of childhood wounds on adult relationships.
For sexual assault survivors, I recommend reading Chanel Miller’s memoir, Know My Name, for a powerfully raw and real picture of the betrayal, exhaustion, isolation, and silencing felt by many survivors, as well as the strength and resilience found in rediscovering identity in the aftermath of assault. This book supports survivors with acknowledging the widespread impact and multiple traumas resulting from assault, to make grieving possible.
Join our Women’s Trauma Group waitlist to be contacted by myself or one of our other skilled therapists who can walk you through the details of upcoming support groups and how this space might facilitate your healing.
Interested in starting therapy for your CPTSD? Book a free consultation today with our therapist matchmaker to find the therapist who is the best fit for you (California residents only). We provide online therapy and have therapists who are trained in EMDR therapy. We also offer many different types of trauma therapy groups. All of our therapists specialize in trauma-informed care, and informed trauma therapy
Interested in learning more about complex trauma? Here are a few blogs discussing complex trauma and CPTSD.
Difference Between Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD
Complex Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse
All therapists at Woven Together Trauma Therapy are trauma-informed and specialize in treating all forms of trauma. We also offer EMDR, Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, and Brainspotting which has shown to be extremely effective in treating and healing trauma. Want to read more about our unique therapy options?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here:
If you would like to learn more about Brainspotting, check out our blog: What is Brainspotting?
*This post contains affiliate links.