What does Self-Betrayal Look Like?
Self-betrayal is a way of coping that many people develop to keep themselves safe and try to meet their needs. Individuals who experienced trauma as children may develop this type of response because they believed that it was the only way to stay connected to their caregivers.
We’ve written about the four trauma responses: fawn, fight, flight and freeze. These are coping strategies that kept us safe in the moment but may no longer be serving us as adults. Self-betrayal is a type of fawn response.
Not familiar with the fawn response? In a previous blog, we wrote, “A fawn response can look like extreme people pleasing. The goal of a fawn response is to create peace with the other person to try and avoid conflict. This might look like taking care of other people at the expense of yourself.
The downside of this response is that your needs are not being met. You may have been implicitly taught or even explicitly told that your needs are not important, so you downplay your needs. Not having needs or always being pleasant may have been conditions of your early relationships, so that is how you operate in your adult relationships.”
Our instincts will drive us to try and keep ourselves safe, and we can honor how we have done that while creating change in our lives.
Wondering how you can identify self-betrayal? In a blog about self-betrayal, Dr. Megan Johnson wrote that “Signs you might be in a pattern of self-betrayal include saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” self-sabotaging, ignoring basic needs and self-care, lying to yourself, not taking accountability for your actions, and pretending to be something other than your authentic self.”
What does self-betrayal look like? We want to provide you with some examples so that you can identify this coping skill in your own life. The holidays can be difficult because you are experiencing significant changes in your routine and spending time with many different people. Because of this heightened stress, you might see self-betrayal creeping back into your coping strategies. Looking for ways to protect your well-being before entering tough interpersonal situations? Check out this blog on interacting with friends and family in the group that you left.
Here are a few examples of boundaries that you might have set and what it would look like to betray yourself.
Going to a religious service: You’ve chosen to leave the religious group that your family belongs to, and you don’t want to attend the Christmas Eve service while you’re visiting. When everyone starts preparing to leave for the service, you calmly and clearly state your boundary. Your parents become emotional and say that your grandmother will be heartbroken if she learns that you’ve left the religious community. To keep the peace, you agree to attend the service. You feel uncomfortable listening to the sermon and begin having a panic attack during the worship song at the end.
Talking politics: Before spending time with friends and family, you decided you wouldn’t engage in political conversations. However, at the dinner table, your uncle starts goading you about your silence. He accuses you of becoming too uppity to interact with your family after moving away. In an effort to prove that you still love your family and don’t consider yourself to be better than them, you reluctantly engage in the political conversation.
Choosing where to spend the holidays: In October, you had a conversation with your partner about making plans for the holidays. You both want to visit your families, so you decided to spend the holidays apart. However, at the end of November, your partner begins repeatedly asking you to change your plans so that the two of you can spend the holidays together. You’re worried that they’ll be mad if you don’t, so you agree to go with them.
Partying with friends/coworkers: Your office decides to go out to celebrate. You have an early morning, so you decide that you’ll have one glass of wine and leave early. When you get up to leave, your friends pressure you to stay and do shots with them. They remind you of all the times you have said no to partying invites, and you feel guilty, so you agree to stay.
In the aftermath of self-betrayal, you might feel bad about yourself or frustrated that you struggle to enforce your boundaries. Be kind to yourself. It can take time to change your coping strategies. Dr. Johnson has some good first steps in this blog.
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