Religious Trauma and Delayed Relational Development
Why is it so hard to trust people?
One of the most painful aspects of religious trauma is the distorted way we are taught to relate to others. In psychological research, we see that early life trauma results in developmental delays. This is because brain development can be interrupted by maltreatment, neglect, or abuse in adolescence or childhood. You can read more about other ways religious trauma affects development, such as delayed sexual development and delayed emotional development, in my other blog posts.
In rigid, high-control religious environments, you may be taught that there is a specific way to relate to others that is permissible in the eyes of God. This formulaic, dogmatic, and fear-based teaching may get in the way of healthy relational development.
Here are some signs that you may struggle with delayed relational development from religious trauma:
You were taught that you are responsible for the salvation of others.
One of the most damaging evangelical doctrines is that you are responsible for the eternal damnation of others. The teaching that every single encounter you have with a stranger is an opportunity to save them from hell could make you hypervigilant, obsessive, and socially anxious. If you had loved ones who were considered “unsaved” by your religious community, the fear and responsibility you feel may be intolerable and consume the way you relate to them. If the only permissible way to relate to others outside your religious community was a savior-sinner relationship, it may be a sign that you struggle with delayed relational development.
2. You were taught to distrust anyone who did not subscribe to your religion.
Conversely, this strong ingroup-outgroup theology rendered anyone outside your religious community dangerous. If the people outside your community were going to hell, their influence on you meant you may also end up in hell. Thus, the only safe way to relate to others may have been through extreme distrust and hypervigilance.
In my practice, I’ve found that it is common for patients with religious trauma to fully trust that others are safe. In religious trauma, we are frequently caught in the dreadful trap that we cannot trust anyone who goes against the theology we were taught, even if we can recognize that the theology was harmful. If this pattern feels familiar to you, you may be experiencing the relational symptoms of religious trauma.
3. You were taught to blindly submit to leaders in your religious community.
Finally, you may have been taught that your only way to remain in God’s favor, and free from the eternal consequences of hell, was to uncritically submit to leaders in your religious community. This is particularly traumatic if your religious leaders showed narcissistic qualities. This may have led you to distrust your intuition and your self-preservation instincts. This is another form of relational developmental delay, because it does not acknowledge yourself as a whole individual capable of making your own decisions.
What do I do now?
If you feel that you are experiencing delayed relational development from religious trauma, there are many steps you can take to start reclaiming your relationships. Our monthly religious trauma membership offers countless resources for survivors. If you are interested in getting professional support, you can book a free consultation with our therapist matchmaker to explore online individual (CA residents only) therapy for religious trauma.