Navigating the Impact of Purity Culture with a Partner
If or when you start dating, you may find that you and your partner have different backgrounds when it comes to romance, relationships, and sex. We’ve shared a lot about Purity Culture in the past few weeks and outlined some of its effects in this blog on Traumastery.
Some of these identified effects of Purity Culture are:
Anxiety, guilt, and shame around sexual activity
Difficulties building deep relationships (emotional, romantic, and sexual)
Difficulty setting boundaries
Fixation on finding “The One”
Limited or no sexual education
Pelvic floor issues
STIs
Unplanned pregnancies
Unsafe sex
Vaginismus
If your partner did not grow up in Purity Culture, you may find yourselves having different experiences in your relationship. As with any kind of traumatic experience, sometimes we don’t know what our triggers are until we are in the moment. There are many different triggers that can bring up shame, anxiety, or a feeling of being unsafe.
Some moments and experiences that can be triggering for people who have left Purity Culture:
Going on dates
Being honest about desire
Experiencing physical intimacy with a new person
Committing to a relationship
Exploring and connecting with LGBTQIA+ identities
Conversations about boundaries and consent
Having relationship expectations
Consent, communication, and boundaries are crucial in any relationship, and they play a big role in relationships with people who grew up in Purity Culture.
Consent
RAINN defines consent as “an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both you and your partner to understand and respect each other’s boundaries.”
Consent can be given and revoked at any time, with or without an explanation. Depending on the trigger or how distressed they are, your partner may not be able to explain how they are feeling or why they are feeling that way in the moment. You should always respect consent- through their verbal and nonverbal signals. They can revoke consent at any time without an explanation.
Boundaries
This is pretty closely tied to consent. Listen to and respect your partner’s boundaries. Growing up in Purity Culture can impact the pace that people move in relationships. Some people feel more comfortable moving slowly, while others look to connect quickly. Have frequent, open, and honest conversations with your partner about what you are both looking for and hoping to get out of your relationship. It might take time and practice to build these skills, and these skills will probably need to be tailored to each of your relationships.
Coping & Self-Regulation
It is understandable that you will have an emotional response to your partner’s actions and words. It might be distressing and anxiety-provoking when your partner revokes consent or expresses their boundaries. They will act and respond in ways that might feel like they are about you, but are actually related to their own experience. You need to be able to regulate your own emotions when you don’t understand why your partner is responding in a certain way.
While you may not be able to completely calm yourself down or understand the situation on your own, using your coping mechanisms can help with your emotional state for your own well-being and for communication. Regulating ourselves can help lessen the chances of lashing out, expecting our partner to caretake for us, or unintentionally making a situation about ourselves.
If you are looking for simple ways of coping when you’re feeling distressed, this article outlines six!
Communication
Talk about issues, needs, and desires! It can feel intimidating to bring these things up because you are worried that you might scare the other person off. However, not talking about these things will create issues in your relationship. If you grew up in Purity Culture, there were probably very defined gender roles for the partners to follow in relationships. Even after you’ve left Purity Culture, you may feel like you still have to be submissive, a chronic caretaker, or the leader in your relationship. Being the person that you think your partner wants you to be will lead to you feeling like your partner doesn’t see the authentic version of you.
Sometimes we don’t bring up our needs, desires, and feelings because we are worried that we will be too much or push our partner away. Hiding these things will only cause distance in your relationship. Having honest conversations helps us connect on a deeper level.
If you find that Purity Culture is impacting you and/or your relationships, therapy might be able to help process it individually or with a partner.
Did this ring true for you? Looking for a therapist who specializes in religious trauma and healing from purity culture? Our therapists and coaches can help. Book a therapy or coaching appointment with our therapist matchmaker to begin your healing journey today. (Therapy is only available in CA)
Interested in learning more about our unique approach to trauma therapy?
These blogs talk more about the basics of EMDR:
You can read more about Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy here: