5 Things That Will Kill Connection In Your Relationship
There are many things that can lead to you no longer feeling connected to your partner or your relationship not functioning in the way you would like. Maybe you’ve heard of The Gottman Institute’s The Four Horsemen which describes the four communication patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) that are thought to predict the end of a relationship. I agree that these communication patterns most definitely prevent connection and intimacy in a relationship, but there are also some more patterns (see below) that will kill the connection in your relationship, and are just as destructive:
1. Assuming the worst in each other
There’s a lot of pain that can happen in a relationship between two people. You bring your own trauma and experiences into a relationship which often interacts with your partner’s trauma (we sometimes call this the pain cycle).
When we are hurting, it is hard to hold a larger perspective of the relationship, and you may find yourself believing that your partner is out to get you. If we start to assume the worst in each other, we come at every interaction with defensiveness, anxiety, fear and/or anger which will prevent the best parts of ourselves and our partner from coming out. Assuming the worst will prevent your partner from feeling like they can share openly and honestly with you and you will notice a decrease in connecting moments within the relationship.
2. Being dishonest or invulnerable
A lack of honesty or a lack of vulnerability will create mistrust in the relationship. This automatically kills connection because it prevents true intimacy in the relationship. Dishonesty and invulnerability make the relationship inherently unsafe, making connection extremely difficult. There may be moments in your relationship when you react to pain or trauma by not sharing all the information or choosing to withdraw emotionally to prevent vulnerability, but this cannot be the norm if you want your relationship to flourish.
3. Withholding compassion or empathy
Compassion and empathy are usually the things that can bring people together because they bring about a shared experience. When you can see and understand your partner’s pain, that can allow you to make sense of their actions and connect on a human-to-human level. If you choose to withhold that compassion and empathy, whether it is out of your felt need to protect yourself or the desire to punish your partner for the pain they have caused you, it will be nearly impossible to connect with your partner. Choosing to have a kind and respectful stance towards your partner, even in the midst of pain, can bring about some sweet moments of intimacy.
4. Failing to get to know your partner
Humans are so complex and so much happens for us on a daily basis. If we fail to be curious about our partner, we can start to live parallel lives, moving about our day and forgetting about the intricacies of the human we are choosing to live life with. It is important for you to hear about your partner’s day, have philosophical discussions, learn what your partner likes and doesn’t like, pay attention to their needs and desires, and notice all the amazing ways they exist in the world. Failing to get to know your partner will result in them feeling unseen and even unloved by you, resulting in a difficulty to connect.
5. Not making time for shared joy
With the busyness of life, it is easy to forget to prioritize the relationship and get bogged down by all the things that need to get done (especially if you are a parent). Forgetting to go on dates or doing recreational activities that you both enjoy will get in the way of feeling connected. We need to have laughter, excitement, and joy and those feelings are usually made better when experienced alongside someone else. It is important to be able to connect in difficult times, but your relationship needs fun too if it is going to feel truly connecting.
If you are having trouble assuming the best in your partner, being honest or vulnerable or compassionate or empathetic, getting to know your partner at a deeper level, or finding joyful moments together, we have options for you to get some support. Feel free to schedule a 30 minute free consultation with our Therapist Matchmaker. She would be happy to get you connected to either me or one of our other therapists who provide individual therapy, couples therapy or couples intensives!
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