Why Would I Need a Couples Therapist?
Couples therapy is meant to address issues in the relationship dynamic. Each person we interact with can bring out different sides of us and sometimes we notice that there are parts of us that get brought out in our romantic relationships that we want to address. We see couples come into couples therapy for many reasons. For example, you may be:
Struggling to communicate with your partner.
Feeling disconnected.
Having a difficult time making a big decision together.
Preparing for a new life stage and want support.
Couples therapy can be a great place to try to get your relationship where you want it to be. You may also want to check out our couples intensives and reasons why couples choose that over traditional couples therapy!
What should I be looking for?
Before we talk about what you should be looking for in a couples therapist, it is important that you and your partner are on the same page about couples therapy in general. Typically, there is one person who is slightly more motivated than the other to come to couples therapy and that is ok. However, if you or your partner really do not want to come to couples therapy and either of you have no plans to participate, engage, be vulnerable, or attempt to address the issues, we recommend you wait a little before starting couples therapy (maybe start with individual first!). Because the focus of couples therapy is on the relationship dynamic, couples therapists need willingness from both sides in order to address any issues at hand. You don’t have to be entirely “all in” into the process, just being willing to show up and engage is typically sufficient.
Unbiased approach
When looking for a couples therapist, the biggest factor you should look for is: do you and your partner both feel understood in the sessions? If you feel like the therapist is heavily siding with your partner, that may be a concern (see red flags below). However, the time will most likely not be split perfectly even during the session, so wait a couple of sessions in case the therapist plans to spend one session more focused on one partner and then switches the following week to the next. Even if the time is not split evenly, you and your partner should feel like the therapist is seeing you both, engaging you both, and understanding you both.
Moving in a direction
You and your partner should feel like your therapist is on board for the direction you want to head. It is important that you express how you are experiencing the therapy process, especially if you feel like the therapist is not understanding where you want to go. Sometimes couples come in and are on different pages regarding the direction of the relationship and that is ok as long as you feel your therapist is able to sit with you and your partner in that decision-making space.
Able to bring down distress
Because couples are sometimes coming in with some distressing topics, it is important that you feel like your therapist can handle it. If your therapist looks freaked out, unsure, or appears unable to guide you toward calm, it might not be the right fit for you. You should get the sense that your therapist is able to show you how to hear one another, teach you to self-regulate, and assist you enough so that you are not leaving any session in intense distress.
What are some red flags?
Below are some issues that either should be directly addressed with the therapist in the form of feedback or might be your reason to try to find another therapist.
Siding with one person
If you feel like your therapist is not making space for you in the process, that may be a concern. Sometimes therapists will focus one session on one partner and then switch the following week, but if that is the plan, the therapist should notify you that is happening. If you consistently feel unseen or misunderstood by the therapist, try letting them know and if that does not change anything, it might be time to find another therapist who can better hold both partners’ experiences.
Forcing a direction
Generally speaking, your therapist should be on board with the direction that you and your partner want to go. This is your therapy after all. There are a few exceptions in which a therapist may express their concern about the direction you want to go (like if there is abuse present the therapist will want to ensure safety before proceeding), but even if that is the case, you should still feel like your therapist is understanding your goals and working to help you meet them.
Not holding confidentiality
At the beginning of couples therapy, your therapist should notify you if they have a “no secrets” policy or not and what that means. Some therapists will say they have a “no secrets” policy, meaning if one member of the couple discloses information to the therapist, the therapist will ensure that that information is shared with the other member of the couple. This usually applies to bigger disclosures of information like a hidden affair, drug problem, pornography addiction, etc. Some therapists do not have a “no secrets” policy so they will hold each member’s confidentiality separately. As long as you are aware of whatever the policy is and your therapist abides by it, you should be good to go. Issues arise when therapists do not notify their clients and clients feel betrayed if what they thought was between just them and the therapist is actually not.
Not appearing competent
If you get a sense that your therapist is overwhelmed by what you are bringing into the session, it may not be the right fit. You should feel like your therapist is competent to handle the content and the emotional presentation in the room. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT) get extra training in working with couples that other therapists with different credentials do not get. If you are working with a therapist who is not a LMFT or AMFT (Associate Marriage and Family Therapist), it may be helpful to ask them if they feel like they have received adequate training to help you. Some therapists (not LMFTs) go out of their way to get extra training to work with couples and some LMFTs prefer not to see couples, so it always helps to ask your therapist if they think they will be a good fit for you or not!
If you find you are still struggling to communicate about these issues, sometimes it is helpful to find a therapist to help you articulate your feelings and concerns. Our therapist matchmaker is skilled at finding the right therapeutic fit and offers free 30-minute consultations. You can book a consultation below.
Interested in a more in-depth dive with your partner? We currently offer 2-day or 3-day intensives for couples. Each day of the intensives involves 3 hours of processing for either 2 or 3 days. One benefit of intensives is being able to meet for significant periods of processing time without having to plan for childcare, time off of work, or other scheduling headaches on a weekly basis. Interested? Read more about our couples intensives and schedule a consultation below.